CT is over. surprisingly, i didn't feel happy nor sad. been feeling very neutral these few days like as though just letting time pass by without any feelings. time to get my life back on track! due to CTs i think i have like not really been paying attention, feeling very mad at myself for doing that, also i have been sleeping really late this 2 weeks and like feeling very tired, neutral and like weird every morning. I need to catch up on my sleep!!! this is what happen this 2 days

THURSDAY

telling the lame jokes to everyone. chinese was kinda ok. help pack hannah's locker. during math and cf lesson, william was trying to tie his hair up and we were like providing him tips and like the necessary items. it was a success! wish i could have taken a picture. went home really bored and was like stoning on the bus. went home and change my blogskin, been wanting to change it for very long so yup, here is my new blogskin. TAA-DAA! studied geog. elec. till like 1130? could not wake up the next morning early and like overslept for around 10 mins. the day was actually pretty boring and plus i am a super forgetful person and i can't really remember what happen yesterday. oops!

FRIDAY

finished geog elec and like CT is officially over. was like playing with javier in class, hope he doesn't take it for real. i was just kidding. played with adelin as she pretended she was a robot. heard another lame joke: what is a comedian who goes into stocks? a laughing stock. this one was not really funny and was super lame. but apparently lame jokes make me laugh, i think my feelings are like 'comin back' to me, it has like flew away somewhere and like is now coming back, actually felt kinda happy today. before dance, me, mandy, amanda were like camwhoring in the toilets. took pictures, and weird stuff happened. like suddenly the toilet would have the water sound which is scary and we were like freaked out, then a teacher off the lights to the toilet. dance today was actually fun, laugh alot due to the couple dance thing, an accident almost happen on that. got some parts and like trying to use the weekend to work on it. hannah this is for you:

The gifts he gave were that some would be apostles, some prophets, some evangelists, some pastors and teachers, to equip the saints for the work of ministry, for building up the body of Christ. (Ephesians 4.11-12 NRSV)

C. S. Lewis once said something about the church that I believe is important. He said that the model many of us have in our minds for the church is the same model we have for secular organizations. That is, we think of the church as an organization that we join. Then we do what members of an organization normally do we come to meetings and pay dues. Maybe, occasionally, we read the organization's newsletter, if we have time. THIS IS NOT CHRIST'S MODEL FOR THE CHURCH.
Christ's intent is that his people will be joined to his church in the same way that members of a physical body are joined to that body. It is a living relationship. The body gives life to its members and they, in turn, are indispensable to the body. For the person in whom Christ dwells, being actively involved in church is not merely an option anymore than an eye has an option about being involved with a physical body. Losing an eye is a tragedy for both the eye and for the body. Christ is saying that each of us is indispensable. We all have a place in his family.

hope you learn something from it. don't care what others think of you.

just finish preparing dinner, was like cooking fried rice, pretty easy and was like clearing up the fridge, will upload the pics. some other time. never cook for such a long time and like now my face feels weird and oily, gotta take a bath! tommorow i am going SHOPPING, have never really went shopping for such a long time!

these few days if anyone have realised i have become alot quieter and like always looking sad, actually that is one of the real side of me that no one ever seen before except my family. this is the side of me that none of my friends seen before. i am actually very quiet and will take a long time to open up and trust someone. so if you ever lose my trust forget on gaining it back. i just feel that my mind is such a whirlwind. i get angry and be in a bad mood for no reason, i become really quiet in class and feel like isolating myself from them. dun feel really that friendly in a way. can't really figure out why i am like this but yea, if you didn't really realise that i am kinda isolating myself, i am telling you now. i feel so alone sometimes but i just like the feeling of being alone sometimes. give me time to sort out my thoughts and feelings.

i am so burdened by so much stuff, test, friendship, cca, competition, god, commitments, priorities, etc. its like weighing me down, i am depending on god but like i really need time to just take a breather and relax and just sort out my thoughts. feel so stoney in class, like i can actually not be in class and no one will notice cause i am just quiet these days. i seem to cry alot these few days and being really emotional. i simply hate people who rub in on you when you don't do well and like keep complaining about their results, i just feel very hurt when some people do that, i am already upset enough, stop rubbing it in, can you people be more sensitive. i am not scolding anyone exactly, dun bother asking...

to amanda and mandy:

i know how you guys feel on like doing badly
just try harder the next round
put in more hard work ok?
its only one common test
just cry it out if you want
and forget about it the next day
lets work hard together!
i am also trying!

today was such an emotional day, starting of the day was quite okay. for some reason these few days were like stupid. got rejected again at fps and kinda scolded by sl, we are like lagging behind other groups and must buck up. start concentrating after ct. gonna study super hard after ct to like do well, i don't wish to like top for the class or something but just wanna enjoy the process of studying! came home and chatted with hannah, had a mini emotional breakdown and started crying. thank god hannah was like comforting me and stuff or i will be at loss. don't really wish to talk about the reasons, its like there were alot of things on my mind. i was thinking about priorities today for some reason and i realise sometimes i dun put god as my first priorities and dun rely on him at all. i used to think i could do everything on my own but i realise that we should rely on god, hannah actually thought me that. thanks hannah! its like a super long story and i realise that i have to rely on god like how you rely on your parents sometimes, but dun over rely on him. god does miracles but you must first show that you put in hardwork.

recently met with loads of failure, in terms of my standard and i think that sometimes god wanna teach us lessons and be more humble, maybe? he may just want us to fail and a true failure is someone who doesn't pick themselves up after they fail. so i am gonna buck up and just study harder. for those who did badly, dun worry its only common test, i calculated the marks it only is like 2 marks of your overall if you score full marks, dun worry. lets be late bloomers together, late bloomers last forever, people who bloom early will die earlier if they are too proud, so lets work hard together besties!

today mei bdae surprise was kinda a failure thanks to p.g. arh... he let us off like 10 mins late and like ruin the whole thing but hope mei likes the gifts.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY MEI!
thank you mei, have an awesome birthday ok?! you a 15 years old now, high-five. stay pretty!

today was such a screw-up, the moment i remembered i forgot something in my prayer this morning, i knew this day was gonna be stupid. chemistry was okay... hope i did well. maths was okay too... i owe sihui a subway! i couldn't have scored any worser for english and econs. its dumb how i scored so badly and i studied for it! feel like crying but that won't make me feel better. going to buck up and start studying hard from today onwards. feel so crappy today, was talking to hannah and javier today and i guess hannah started crying, jiayous hannah, if you need a hug, i will always be free =). school was stupid couldn't concentrate on anything today for some reason, god please help me. these few days i have been eating alot! arh... i am gonna grow fat! going to do a lengthier devotion and be more serious on it!

omgosh! i just saw this on a devotion website and its like god has spoken to me. i was really grumbling and complaining about how sucky this day was and just keep complaining but i didn't realise that this will like chew away the foundation of confidence and vision of the people of god. i am being like a termite! god please help me! here is the devotion:

Beloved, do not grumble against one another, so that you may not be judged. See, the Judge is standing at the doors! (James 5.9 NRSV)

Are you a grumbler?

A grumbler is a person who doesn't know how to handle the unhappiness which naturally occurs when parties disagree. Grumblers are people who do not know appropriate ways to express their disagreements with leadership. Rather than finding appropriate ways to show their discontent, grumblers stir up unhealthy conflict. That's what makes a person a grumbler. Sadly, these are frequently people who have good intentions. Yet the results of their grumbling are disastrous to the church.

One recent writer compared grumblers to termites. They slowly chew away at the foundation of confidence and vision of the people of God. Grumblers simply don't seem to know appropriate ways to have healthy conflict in their lives. They don't know how to talk about their discontentment in ways that are honest.
Don’t be a grumbler. With love and care of the people of God, be honest. Do all you can to build up the community of faith.

Dear God, move the grumbling out of my soul. Amen.

got my contact lenses to day and am super happy right now. i had a hard time trying to put it on at the shop, tried like 3-4 times. omgosh, going out with some darlings 2moro to get some presents, can't wait! worst thing that happened to me this week: my cable broke down on me! arh... like now there is seriously nothing to watch on tv and i can't randomly switch channels now, i miss all the channels, can't wait for someone to get it fixed, super duper upset about it.

the common test the past few days were quite okay and i passed my amaths! i got like 33/40! thought i would fail cause i didn't know how to do like 2 questions! manage to finish my ss paper today and the teacher cheated us of our 5 minutes. arh! i feel like going shopping all of a sudden and like buying loads of new clothes for some reason. can't stop the temptation!

the feeling came back again,
glancing down at the building
i feel like putting my legs on the edge
i must fight this thought,
the devil's is coming
i must be ready!!!

today was a day filled with ups and downs. this morning while walking to school i saw this car and i thought to myself, wouldn't it be better if i get knocked down? won't i just like be happier? apparently i didn't do it of course. been having scary nightmares about war and friends every night, maybe its a sign from what kenneth and hannah says. really dunno... hannah thinks its the idols in my house which maybe true. felt really happy today after watching the video at chapel today, its like a therapy to me. i didn't know since when i felt so unhappy, stressed up, i even shouted at my mom, i can't believe like what i did, i feel so much calmer now like after i let everything out and cried about it, it just feels so much better. maybe i have been bottling it up inside and like this spiritual attack just hit me and everything flew out, all my fears and stuff. just feel really light now, like after the prayer thing today and talking about it to this person called shermin. i really felt him today while praying as though he was hugging me, his presence just really filled me.

went to math remedial and i ended up doing nothing, fooled around with the others and like started camwhoring with sihui. that was absolute fun but was super unproductive!

feel so thankful for like everybody all of a sudden, to all my friends, these are the people i am thankful for:(if i didn't include you doesn't mean i am not thankful for you being my friend)

hannah: thanks for like being so concern and like helping me so much, always listening to my problems. you are awesome girl and beautiful on the inside and out, feel so proud of you for achieving so much!

kenneth: thanks so much for listening to my problems today and like helping me out. you're awesome in your talks during pg, inspired me alot!

javier: thanks for like letting me rant on you about my problems. i know i treat you like really harshly sometimes. so sorry!

chuyi: thanks for giving such great advice, it actually made me forgive her. thanks for like being partners with me in chinese, and like helping me kill time in chinese lesson!

amanda: thanks for like going home with me and trusting me with your secrets. thanks for like hearing my problems and like keeping me company in dance.

mandy: thanks for being so funny and like always criticising the teacher with me, haha! thanks for also keeping me company in dance and being my stretching partner!

wanteng: thanks for like almost walking to school with me everyday when we meet on the train or something and like letting me see your artwork, its like awesome!

today is friday the thrirteen, happy friday the thirteen! everyone celebrated v-day today and it was awesome! i recieved like loads of chocolates from everyone, chocolate rules! i have not eaten any yet cause i most likely will get a sore throat tomorrow. gave out toberlone chocolates today, i hope everyone likes it! we had like total defence day thingy today and had like a fire drill, and no fans and lights for the first 2 periods, we also had sweet potato for recess, i think it was okay overall, didn't really have any memories on it. played a little volleyball during recess and like the whole day pass really quickly. slack around during dance and the only thing i could really remember was sharing a toberlone with mandy and amanda. had so much fun today celebrating v-day, its so awesome!

another reason why the day is so awesome is because i am going to LOUDFEST! omg!omg!omg! like i can't believe my mom would actually let me go, super happy right now like it would be the first church conference i have been too, looking forward to it right now. thank you god for answering my prayers, its like such a miracle!

today was actually kinda fun and i love all my besties! tomorrow is friday the thirteen guys happy friday the thirteen guys! saturday is valentine day so enjoy the day besties, love ya! time passed quite quickly today, i think the highlight of the day was spending recess with hannah alone and maths remedial,hannah is super funny and was like helping me these couple of days and standing up for me and comforting me. really thank you so much! love you loads. we had like 2 free periods today which was awesome! finish my chemistry homework and my compo. book today! super happy that i managed to finish that book in like 1 week and i get to buy a new one! was talking to javier throughout the lesson on the things that happen today, thanks for listening.
maths remedial was like fun caused we were like eating in class (oops!) and like i finish my homework before even mrs peh come in! i don't have homework today, yipee! i actually knew how to do every question that she gave which made me super happy like finally i am not the retarded person who can't do the questions she give and asking her every step of the question i do. feel so retarded at that time like i can't do anything right. after math remedial we were like hanging out in the classroom and had a fun time. i was like laughing really hard, had not laugh for such a long and hard time for so long. i feel so guilty and evil now doing all those stuff to jianqiang. sorry! today seem to pass really quickly and like today was awesome except for some stuff that i dun wanna menion.

i given my promise to them even before i did to you
i dun wanna break my promise to them
you should know me very well

woke up quite early today and went to the library to study, met up with vel later on to do the geog project but didn't quite complete it. we left kinda early cause vel had tuition. went home to prepare for tuition and went for tuition. tuition was fun cause everyone was like laughing and stuff and i kept eating tic tac cause the teacher provided us with loads of it. i thnk like that was the highlight of the day as the whole day pass pretty quickly. i just love tuion sometimes cause the teacher just teach things out of the book and the info he provides us are like important and useful.

i have a hard time trusting you for the things you have done,
how could you do this?
i hate what you have done,
those word hurt everyone ok?
i have already forgiven you but
i have a hard time trusting you again,
i lost slmost all the faith and trust in you
and you should know how hard is it to gain it back

today we had dance practice and i almost like died or something. we are learning the syf dance steps and like we keep doing it over again and i just keep hitting my knee. its super painful and i think i stretch my leg muscle a little too much. have to keep practising! thank you god for like actually making it back home. feel so happy to be home. my sis is having a performance tonight, good luck. think i am going to have more bruises by tomorrow. talked to amanda and mandy today and we were talking about prom. it was super exciting talking about it, amanda wanted to go out tomorrow but i have to study, sometimes i wish common test is not coming so i can go out! feel super happy today as well cause i can like finally raise my leg to 175-180, happy that all the training and stretches finally paid off. looking at the sec ones just made me thought of my first dance lesson when i can only open my legs to like only 90 degrees or less and i could not even touch my toes. but like after starting to stretch at home daily, i finally improved. feel so accomplished all of a sudden like i feel i have completed a goal!

i was kinda pissy in school today cause i was like very tired and stuff from the whole week's activities. so if i have like pissed anyone off i am so sorry, please forgive me! like i think i have pissed like almost all of my friends of because of me being tired. SORRY!

so much things have happened in the past few days and i have learnt alot. yesterday's daily devotion really inspired me alot, like we must love what we are doing in order to do it right. i guess that is how life is, we must love doing something in order to excel in it. i am going to try that from now on and not do it for the sake of doing it. had a few conflicts these few days and i guess everything is just back to normal. thank you hannah for like giving me advice,really appreciate it. today we have prayer group and i was super inspired again by what amadea and kenneth said, we must not only save our friends but we must also save our school. it makes me so motivated to start saving me and seeing testimonies in them, i feel god so much this whole year like he has been encouraging me and telling me what to do, i feel like i have depended on him so much more this few days and like he has talk to me more. for those people out there who can't feel god just always remember that god doesn't like people depending on themselves, he wants YOU to come to him and depend on him. i think being a christian and depending on god has just really change and i learn how to appreciate things in a much different way now.